We
here at the Yeti work on no budget, no researchers and, most
importantly, no ethics. Which is why while we may not be able
to get the "big celebs" to perform interviews, we occaisonally
are able to nab personalities that other people just don't
have the cajones to interview. Joining me is the guy you have
probably heard referred to in a number of manners. Lord of
Evil, Prince of the Damned, the big red guy. That's right,
the Yeti has been given exclusive access to an interview with
the very devil himself.
Ritz: First off, let me say what a pleasure and honor
it is to have such a notorious guest as yourself. I can hardly
believe I'm seeing you in person.
Satan: I'm glad I managed to be here, it isn't easy with
my schedule. I don't get Sundays off like SOME people I know...
Ritz: Now you're well known for various acts of evil
dating from the Bible, but the twentieth century seems to
be a particularly notorious century for atrocities, what role
did you play in this?
Satan: Microsoft, telemarketers, and giving women the
vote.
Ritz: Well what about the two world wars, the massacres
in Russia and China, and the development of nuclear weapons?
Satan: I thought you said atrocities.
Ritz: Hmm.. alright. So I have to ask you, are any
of the religions the "right" one?
Satan: Oh they're all wrong, believe me. Keven Smith
has come as close to anyone as figuring the whole mess out,
and even he missed by a wide margin.
Ritz: So Jesus really was black right?
Satan: He got executed, didn't he?
Ritz: True. Now I've been wondering for some time,
what's your favorite deadly sin?
Satan: Shopping.
Ritz: Amen to that. But what about the official ones
listed in the Bible?
Satan: I gotta admit I'm a big fan of gluttony lately.
You can fit like six guys from Kenya into one guy from the
USA, it's rather spectacular. Plus there's just something
fun about torturing fat people.
Ritz: Heh heh, there sure is. Now I notice that you
aren't actually red, but indeed pale, much to us white guy's
chagrin, what other misconceptions are there about your appearance?
Satan: I'm not stupid. I use guns, not pitchforks.
And my penis is much larger than advertised.
Ritz: But you ARE walking around looking like a white
guy.
Satan: Fuck, I should have known.
Ritz: So what direction do you see Hell taking in the
next century?
Satan: Well we're heavily into expansion. The main
issue these days is capacity. We've got a fine array of tortures,
and while we've always got something on the burner in that
department, we really are more worried about quantity. Back
in the day the load of incoming souls was split pretty evenly
between Heaven and Hell, but these days it's kind of a one-sided
affair.
Ritz: Any idea why that's the case?
Satan: Well, I could probably give you a number of
causes, but I suspect the principle reason is last time God
tried to intervene I had his son nailed to a fucking piece
of wood.
Ritz: Satan, thank you for your time, and the Yeti
wishes you luck in your futures endeavours in damnation.
Satan: Be seeing you soon. Ritz: Well shit.
-Ritz
