I’ve
always been suspicious of those people who bounce into 8 a.m.
lecture all coherent, cheery-like and inexplicably glowing—even
when the sun’s rays haven’t penetrated Berkeley’s perma-fog
for weeks. How do they do it? Is it possible these creatures
manage to finish their homework, housework and work by nine,
get up at five for a morning jog, Bikram yoga and bowl of
Wheaties before class, plus fit in weekly sessions of therapy,
tanning booths and miscellaneous social enrichment? No, I
suppose not. They’re probably just having tons of sex.
In
what may be the most appealing scientifically proven way to
improve your health, researchers link frequent sexual activity
to everything from lowering cholesterol to improving intelligence.
Consider this your Rx for sex.
For
our purposes, let’s define sex as anything you do with your
lover, hi-speed Internet connection, or Ruby Clit Teaser 5000
that you wouldn’t do with your hair dresser, deodorant or
microwave.
Sex
is like any other cardio workout. So any time you hear a study
lauding the benefits of exercise, drop the “ercise” and add
an “s.” It improves circulation, increases your heart rate,
boosts your metabolism and burns 350 calories an hour. Especially
if you’re “on top,” sex can be very effective at toning your
muscles. In fact, Men’s Health magazine calls the bed “the
single greatest piece of exercise equipment ever invented.”
They would.
The
British Medical Journal reports that in a study of 1,000 men,
those with the highest frequency of orgasm had a mortality
rate half that of the average man. Scottish neuropsychologist
Dr. David Weeks confirmed in another study that sex slows
the aging process and increases longevity. Hawaiian lecturer
Dr. Paul Pearsall has shown that regular sex boosts the immune
system.
Still
more studies report that men who have intercourse at least
three times a week decrease their risk of suffering a heart
attack or stroke by half. Ejaculating more than five times
a week cuts risk of prostate cancer by a third.
We
always knew that sex and hormones endlessly cycle like chickens
and eggs, but new findings prove the health benefits of the
hormones that are increased with sexual activity—yet another
reason to jog horizontally. Testosterone fortifies muscles
and bones. Estrogen eases PMS. Oxytocin—five times more abundant
at orgasm—alleviates pain from arthritis and migraines, helps
heal wounds and releases endorphins. Endorphins dull pain
and make people happy. Happy people make life pleasant.
Psychologist
Gordon Gallup reports that women who absorb prostaglandin,
a hormone specific to semen, have lower rates of depression
than those who don’t. Of course, if the said semen leaves
the woman in question with an STD or unwanted pregnancy, its
anti-depressant qualities don’t do jack.
If
it somehow finds its way into your mouth, the zinc and calcium
in semen will prevent tooth decay. Fun fact: The average ejaculate
contains five protein-packed calories.
Your
immune system also benefits from a regular romp. One Pennsylvania
study showed a 30 percent increase in antibodies for those
who had sex once a week. I think that would be thrice a week
in California, you know, with the time change and all.
Anyone
who gets a daily dose will tell you that sex also feels good.
This time I’m not even being sarcastic. Things that feel good
ease tension and stress. It’s been shown that sex can treat
sleep disorders. Well, yeah—if you exhaust your body and relax
your mind, you will sleep better. I’ve also been told that
sex can cure those afflicted by I-can’t-stop-peeling-the-label-off-my-beer
syndrome.
But
wait, there’s more. For just three easy payments of orgasm,
sex will also make you smarter. According to German researcher
Werner Habermehl, subjects who had regular sex registered
more brain activity than those who did not. He explains that
increased amounts of adrenaline and cortisol, which accompany
sex, stimulate gray matter. Honestly, can you think of a more
efficient study break?
-Sari
Eitches
